I have approached (only) two kind beings for psychological/spiritual help after a traumatic incident 4 years ago.
First one was a young and fine therapist from Mumbai.
A wonderful woman, younger than me. She spoke little in the sessions, as a rule. I was encouraged to speak from the beginning till the end of the session. She only listened and took notes :D . I recollected memories from the past, discovering where the trauma started. I expressed more. I felt valued, significant, hopeful. Laughed more at discoveries. And cried and cried. Cried and then laughed. Vented out feelings of betrayal, fears of abandonment. Felt better after each session. But, did I think about the girl on the other side who offered herself completely as a “Therapist”?
I felt light and was ready to "this-time-more-consciously" create another round of mess with all my validated emotions :D. But how is she feeling? Did my emotion care about hers? More emotion means more concern or empathy, right? No! I had a reason to not extend my thoughts to that level of subtleness- because I paid Rs 2000 per session- which I thought is a good money to take all of what I “successfully” dumped. And didn’t sign up again until I reached a point where I couldn’t contain the emotions any longer and needed to dump off somewhere again.
Months later, I remembered the look in her face which a part of me unmissingly noticed and registered when I frantically cried and shared "my" painful stories and imaginary "losses". It was her feeling and energy. The energetic pain-load she was expected and forced to carry. The weight which was thrown on to her with full liberty + entitlement. The heaviness in her heart. I could see- it was an unintentional "Abuse" happening which was justified just because it is a respected and paid "Job".
No, I loved her much more than that. I stopped asking for sessions and just followed her videos, and kept quiet for sometime. Just spent time singing, reading books, relaxing and doing simple applied meditation. Till I unexpectedly met a guide whom I instantly recognised as Guru because in her presence (or just a remembrance!!) I found myself in the state of bliss and peace and universal Love that I could only experience after an hour of applied meditation. 🧘
A Guide/Guru, who never let me speak.
This was Vice Versa. It was Her who spoke from the beginning till the end of every meeting, sometimes a minute, sometimes 50+ hours in three days with FULL energy and beautiful open loving voice. (That's impossible for a "human")
Well, it was not quite what I expected- I expected that I did all the talking, crying and she would take all the pains energetically like a rock in temple (which she did anyway in silence) unlike the Therapist who was fragile I believed. I expected this Guru to be nice & kind always as per MY expectations and unseen entitlement, time to time making me feel "understood", honored; appreciated and admired "my" "beautiful" "rich & rare" spectrum of emotions (which I believed was true heart and identified as real SELF) :D and then holding my hands, with a sympathetic gaze, giving all hugs only, “accepting” me as I am fully with all my good & bad thoughts and emotions, making me feel special, loved, celebrated exactly as I am -- as to what I understood what “loving unconditionally” meant and called it very very “saintly”. :D 😀
Well.. She shut me up whenever I opened my mouth to say anything about “me” (and me and me and me ).... It came like a shocker. All I was experiencing was - Utter Insult (sometimes in front of others who sat with me totally and obviously minding their own business), Misunderstood, Hopelessly Unvalued, Unfavourited, Severely Shamed. DAMAGED (ego)! That experience came and left 100 x, leaving myself in much Vast LOVE, much cleaner and clearer than before, each time. The judgements (towards her and myself) passed each time the way they came, more quickly when they are disbelieved immedietely.
There was a clear recognition of what was happening in her company, whether distant and quiet, or direct and playful (inner silence sustained both ways). She didn’t speak from compulsion or from emotional charge, or to teach or preach or correct from irritation, or even expecting me to listen or understand intellectually! She only cautioned as a "suggestion" when something came in the way of what I am truly seeking. She never told me what to do and what not to do wrt actions in the worldly plane ("personal affairs/ decisions/choices"). But just in her presence, everything started to be seen by the eye within which was awakening day by day, and she knew it, she knew how it works. And witnessing magical manifestations.. ----->
Of losing toxic co-dependent bonds, buying "own" home.. unfolding unimaginable creativity and presence/sweetness in singing and playing the violin, stable money flow with gratitude (both in and out), music sessions becoming more like a coffee or snack time together and opening up of hearts, losing false identities.. unshakable health condition, healed chronic unbearable everyday leg aches for years, regularised mentrual cycle like never ever before, getting back full loss of smell overnight (on meeting her 2nd time in person), blooming of loving relationships and friendships, losing addictions of various kinds.. (of blocking or avoiding people, of chronic complaining, of self-judging and shaming, comparing, hyper travelling, of gossiping in "gentle" ways, of being needy for attention and care, of activism..of venting.. of changing and improving world, etc etc)
She noticed whenever the urge in me to talk and take attention or approval appeared, she simply redirected that energy that was in urge/ncy to rapidly “ejaculate” outward (in Osho's words ;)—-> to within-> where it originated, and a guidance to hold it within in silence... for a moment...., or until the right moment arrives, when the same energy burns the urge/ncy as rapidly as burning a human hair on candle fire, that destroyed the urge,,, and blissful tears flowed, which felt as heaven.. like a sudden blooming of inner flower.
This repeated every single time. I could recognise that it was Bhakti, Surrenderness, Inner Freedom. I only experienced this while singing Tyagaraja swami or Purandara dasa songs, that too very rarely and that lived only for short period…. But with her, in her constant company, it started becoming every-other-day thing, if not everyday.. Sometimes, all day long.. for days..!! A state of constant gratitude, for everything. And even when there are days when there is no surrenderness, such a state is not complained about or seen as a problem.. because it is seen as a period to go back to being silent and let the storm BE and pass on its own, while sitting in gratitude, in the knowing of true nature.
And yet, I unknowingly and secretly found ways to dump in the gaps to the dear guide, sandwiching the Vent between sweet updates, "thank you" messages, wearing the costume of kindness, calling it informal “friendly sharing”, whenever I thought I could get over it unnoticed. (Hit and run a dearest one, just to feel instantly better) In my understanding and experience, it is basically sucking out energy (attention is energy) = Stealing/Stheya. It was all happening compulsively. But every single time, she mentioned it for my own seeing because I could, showed what my tendencies were doing, with a firm reminder - "Its NOT Truly You!! Its just the mind patterns and tendencies. You are the Awareness only, aware of itself". Speaking in the most kindest way possible, with unimaginable level of patience. Just to not hurt the ego all of a sudden but mentioning louder and louder- ONLY upon insentitive repetition while still seeking guidance!... At the same time, not encouraging the false relating/friendship and feeding the ego by keeping quiet also... An honest, unspoken, responsible relating.
... But whenever I spoke from the space of stillness, she listened like no one has ever listened. Like EVER. But such words came from me only after a certain period or intensity of inner stillness, in the total absence of seeking attention.. or approval or chatter or any such mind activity. She enjoyed my spontaneous creations wholly. Be it a random singing, or a simplest drawing, or the way I dressed up. Whatever was done with devotion (without a "me" "me" ego in it :D). She saw only devotion and absolutely nothing else. And nothing that I did to "impress" others, ever touched her or took her attention. She became a mirror of Bhakti to me (Its a lifetime blessing to find and be in touch with one such being in in-person access..).
Well this "dumping" still happens in subtle ways, but much lesser.. With her, I learnt the biggest lesson I ever wanted. To be silent..
To be as silent as the whole of nature.. and it still does incredible things effortlessly and holds joy and presence. And she was only helping, genuinely, honestly. To return "Home"!
She let the silence within me guide.... No matter what the outer situation is like, or what emotional experience one is going through or what story or trauma has happened in the past. Only one medicine for all. Be still, be quiet. Like Ramana said.. Like Rama lived.. Like Purandara Dasa said.. Like Tyagaraja Swami sang.. Like Kabir said.. Like any true Guru that has ever lived, LIVED and said.
The teacher of silence, who is living as an example, did help so much transcendence to happen that I could expect from any human being.
Ah...and this transcendence in me caught the attention of my only Therapist- she wrote to me- "Keerthana, I really appreciate your resilience and what you have become."
Thanks to both of them. 🙏
Much Love to both of them.
And all those who came before them as teachers in different forms... Each one appeared as Guided by my inner Guru, perfectly as the moment needed..
and a wholehearted prostration to the Inner GURU who is manifested as the GURU without, both being the same... one and the same.
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