Doorway to Silence

I have approached (only) two kind beings for help after a traumatic incident 4 years ago. 

First one was a young and fine therapist from Mumbai. 

A wonderful woman, younger than me. She spoke little in the sessions, as a rule even when I didnt want to. I was encouraged to speak from the beginning till the end of the session, she only listened and took notes :D . I recollected memories from the past, discovering where the trauma started, following her questions. I expressed more. I felt valued, significant. Laughed more at discoveries. And cried and cried. Cried and then laughed. Vented out feelings of betrayal, fears of abandonment. Felt better after each session. But, Did I think about the girl on the other side who offered herself as “Therapist”? 

I felt light. and was ready to "this time more consciously" create another round of mess with all my validated emotions :D But how is she feeling? Did my emotion care about hers? More emotion means more concern, right? No, I had a reason to not extend my thoughts to that level of subteness- because I paid Rs 2000- which I thought is a good money to take all that I “successfully” dumped. And didn’t sign up again until I reached a point where I couldn’t contain the emotions anymore and needed to dump off again. 

Months later, I remembered the look in her face which a part of me unmissingly noticed when I frantically cried and shared "my" painful stories and "my" imaginary "losses". It’s her feeling and energy. The energetic "pain" load she was forced to carry. The weight which was thrown with full force. The heaviness in her heart. I could see- it was an unintentional "Abuse" happening which was justified just because it is a certified paid "Job". No, I loved her much more than that. I stopped asking for sessions and just followed her videos, and kept quiet for sometime. Till I unexpectedly met a guide whom I instantly recognised as Guru because in her presence (or just a remembrance!!)I found myself in the state of bliss and peace I would only experience after an hour of applied meditation everytime. 🧘 

A guide, who never let me speak. This was Vice Versa. It was Her who spoke from beginning till the end of every meeting, sometimes a minute, sometimes 50+ hours in three days in FULL energy and beautiful open loving voice. (Thats impossible for a "Human") Well, it was not quite what I had expected- I expected that I did all the talking, crying and she would take all the pains energetically like a rock (Which she did anyway in silence) unlike the Therapist who was fragile I believed. I expected the Guru to be nice & kind always as per MY expectations and unseen entitlement, made me feel "understood", honored, appreciated and admired "my" "beautiful" "rich & rare" Emotions (which I believed was true heart and identified as real SELF) :D !! and then holding my hands, with a sympathetic gaze, giving all hugs only, “accepting” me as I am fully with all my good &bad thoughts and emotions, as to what I understood what “loving unconditionally” meant and called it very very “saintly”. :D 

Well.. She shut me up whenever I opened my mouth to say anything about “me” (and me and me and me ).… It came like a shocker. All I experienced was - Utter Insult (sometimes in front of others who sat with me totally and obviously minding their own business), Misunderstood, Hopelessly Unvalued, Severely Shamed. (ego) DAMAGED !
That experienced came and left 100x , leaving myself in much Vast LOVE, much cleaner and clearer than before, each time. The judgements (towards her and myself) passed each time the way they came, more quickly when they are disbelieved immedietely. 

There was a clear recognition of what was happening in her company, whether distant and quiet, or direct and playful (silence sustained both ways). She didn’t speak from compulsion or from emotional charge, or to teach or preach or correct from irritation, or even expecting me to listen or understand intellectually! She only cautioned as a suggestion when something came in the way of what I am truly seeking. She never told me what to do and what not to do wrt actions in the worldly plane ("personal affairs/ decisions/choices"). But just in her presence, everything started to be seen by the eye within which was awakening day by day, and she knew it, she knew how it works. And witnssing magical manifestations.. ----->

Of losing toxic bonds, buying "own" home.. unfolding unimaginable creativity and sweetness in singing and playing violin, stable money flow, losing false identities.. Unshakable health condition, Healed chronic unbearable everyday leg aches, getting back full loss of smell overnight (on meeting her 2nd time in person), blooming of loving relationships and friendships, losing addictions of different kinds... (of blocking people, of chronic complaining, of self-judging and shaming, comparing, of gossiping in "gentle" ways, of being needy for attention and care, of activism..of venting.. etc)

She noticed whenever the urge in me to talk and take attention or approval came, and simply redirected that energy that was in urge/ncy to rapidly “ejaculate” outward (in Osho's words ;)—-> to within-> where it originated, and a silent guidance to hold it within... for a moment...., or until the moment arrived, when the same energy burns the urge/ncy as rapidly as burning a human hair on candle fire, that burnt the urge,,, and blissful tears flowed, which felt as heaven.. like a sudden blooming of inner flower.

This repeated every single time. I could recognise that it was Bhakti, Surrenderness, Inner Freedom. I only experienced this while singing Tyagaraja swami or Purandara dasa songs, that too very rarely and that lived only for short period…. But with her, in herconstant company, it started becoming every-other-day thing, if not everyday.. Sometimes, all day long.. for days..!! A state of constant gratitude, for everything. And even when there are days when there is no surrenderness, such a state is not complained about or seen as a problem.. because it is seen as a period to go back to being silent and let the storm BE and pass, while sitting in gratitude. 

And Yet, I unknowingly and secretly found ways to dump in the gaps to the dear guide, sandwiching the Vent between sweet updates, "thank you" messages, wearing the costume of kindness, calling it a “friendly sharing”, whenever I thought I could get over it unnoticed. (Hit and run a dearest one, just to feel better instantly). It was all happening compulsively. But every single time, she mentioned it, showed what my tendencies were doing with a firm reminder - "Its NOT Truly You!! Its just the mind patterns and tendencies. You are the Awareness only". Speaking in the most kindest way possible. Just to not hurt the ego all of a sudden but mentioning louder and louder-  only upon insentitive repetition while still seeking for guidance!... At the same time, not encouraging the false relating/friendship and feeding the ego by keeping quiet too... An honest, unspoken, responsible relating.  

But whenever I spoke from the space of stillness, she listened like no one has ever listened. Like EVER. But such words came from me only after a certain period or intensity of inner stillness, in the total absence of seeking attention.. or approval or any such mind activity. She enjoyed my simultaneous creations wholly. Be it a random singing, or a simplest drawing, or the way I dressed up. Whatever was done with devotion. And nothing that I did to "Impress" others, ever touched her. She became a mirror of Bhakti to me (Its a lifetime blessing to find and be in touch with one such being in in-person access..). 

Well this "dumping" still happens in subtle ways, but much lesser.. With her, I learnt the biggest lesson I ever wanted. To be silent.

To be as silent as the whole of nature.. that it still and yet does incredible things. And she was only helping, genuinely, honestly. 

She let the silence within me guide.... No matter what the outer situation is like, or what emotional experience one is going through or what story or trauma has happened in the past. Only one medicine for all. Be still, be quiet. Like Ramana Said. Like Rama said.. Like Purandara Dasa said.. Like Tyagaraja Swami said.. Like Kabir said.. Like any true Guru that has ever lived, LIVED and said. 

The teacher of silence, who is living as an example, did help so much transcendence to happen that I could expect from any human being. 

Haaa...and this transcendence in me caught the attention of my only Therapist- she wrote to me- “Keerthana, I really appreciate your resilience and what you have become. “

Thanks to both of them. 🙏 

Much Love to both of them. 

And all those who came before them as teachers in different forms. Each one appeared as Guided by my inner silence, perfectly as the moment needed...

and a wholehearted prostration to the Inner GURU who manifested the GURU without, both being the same... one and the same.